MY FATHER'S WILL. CONCLUSION
ALTHOUGH my father had long since renounced the copyright in all
his works written after 1883, and although, after having made all
his real estate over to his children, he had, as a matter of fact,
no property left, still he could not but be aware that his life was
far from corresponding to his principles, and this consciousness
perpetually preyed upon his mind. One has only to read some of his
posthumous works attentively to see that the idea of leaving home
and radically altering his whole way of life had presented itself
to him long since and was a continual temptation to him.
This was the cherished dream that always allured him, but
which he did not think himself justified in putting into practice.
The life of the Christian must be a "reasonable and happy life
IN ALL POSSIBLE CIRCUMSTANCES," he used to say as he
struggled with the temptation to go away, and gave up his own soul
for others.
I remember reading in Gusef's memoirs how my father
once, in conversation with Gusoryof, the peasant, who had
made up his mind to leave his home for religious reasons, said, "My
life is a hundred thousand times more loathsome than yours, but yet
I cannot leave it."
I shall not enumerate all the letters of abuse and amazement
which my father received from all sides, upbraiding him with
luxury, with inconsistency, and even with torturing his peasants.
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